I was wondering in office of why I feel like loser these days; loser is a strong word and I do not normally use it for anyone let alone myself; but the whole bloody point is that I have begun to feel like that for sometime now. And it is not even that I am doing loserly things or loserly things are happening but I feel like one just the same!
And then as I thought about what I have become, I realized why. May be the analysis is wrong but I think I have it right. Here goes why:
I have always been an achiever; I did well right through school and college; I was the apple of everyone's eye, especially the grown ups. There was a lot of respect as I stood for something. All this happened because I always wanted to be different from the rest, a cut better, a mile ahead and an hour earlier. And added with the fact that things had to be perfect in all that I did, I think I managed to stand out pretty well. This was till college (read BE).
Then came the MBA days; the days when I craved for anonymity. I wanted to be one in the crowd, an ordinary guy with no great ambition; just doing enough to stay afloat. And because of this I missed a lot of opportunities. But it was not something that I minded so much at that point in time. Nor do I mind it now.
But being one in the crowd is not me; it is so against the kind of person I am, the things I stand for. I have always stood out; by achieving something that others thought or found difficult. And that gave me my kick, the motivation to do good and bold and great things. That is the real me and I miss being that; especially since that I am an under-paid under-utilized business analyst on a loser floor with even more loser colleagues.
And if I need to be happy and true to myself, I will need to get back to doing things that will surely set me apart; make me something that people will be in awe of and that is when I think all the disgruntlement with life will settle down.
Yeah baby, I know what is wrong and I think I now have a solution to the problem that I have faced so often in the past 4 years, what is it that I really want to do! Amen!
And then as I thought about what I have become, I realized why. May be the analysis is wrong but I think I have it right. Here goes why:
I have always been an achiever; I did well right through school and college; I was the apple of everyone's eye, especially the grown ups. There was a lot of respect as I stood for something. All this happened because I always wanted to be different from the rest, a cut better, a mile ahead and an hour earlier. And added with the fact that things had to be perfect in all that I did, I think I managed to stand out pretty well. This was till college (read BE).
Then came the MBA days; the days when I craved for anonymity. I wanted to be one in the crowd, an ordinary guy with no great ambition; just doing enough to stay afloat. And because of this I missed a lot of opportunities. But it was not something that I minded so much at that point in time. Nor do I mind it now.
But being one in the crowd is not me; it is so against the kind of person I am, the things I stand for. I have always stood out; by achieving something that others thought or found difficult. And that gave me my kick, the motivation to do good and bold and great things. That is the real me and I miss being that; especially since that I am an under-paid under-utilized business analyst on a loser floor with even more loser colleagues.
And if I need to be happy and true to myself, I will need to get back to doing things that will surely set me apart; make me something that people will be in awe of and that is when I think all the disgruntlement with life will settle down.
Yeah baby, I know what is wrong and I think I now have a solution to the problem that I have faced so often in the past 4 years, what is it that I really want to do! Amen!
6 comments:
Ok here goes my analysis. You have been an achiever all your life, actually you did what many do; work hard, average out your weaknesses and that is how you stayed ahead. When others were grappling for direction you did things ahead as you were ahead of the curve. Then comes the leveler. MBA. Burn out maybe. In fact that is when probably you started looking at what you actually are. As they say, exploring. People call it crisis, mid-age, teenage or somewhere in between. But if you really look at it, you still remain the same person as you were 5 years ago. Hungry for success, true to yourself. The only thing which has gone is that self-belief. In my case I have never believed in myself, that is alright, that is my comfort zone. The problem is comparison. You don't have to be size 0 to look neat. You are fit physically and that is important. Stop comparing yourself, in fact you are way ahead of most. Probably when people are 50, they will be half as mature as you.
But with this gift comes greater pressure and much more. Sounds a little too preachy, but I believe in this!!!
muah babu!
and size 0 counts, not for anyone else, but just that i want to be size 0 and compare it to what I was and if i was size 100 and became 0 it would be my achievement....
and i agree, i have given all the non-ambition a shot and i know it is so not like me...
I am the go-getter and that I will be :)
You'll see a new me in a few days, the one that used to drive SPICMACAY :)
Tell you what. Gym it. Work on it. Most important is to stay fit. Things will fall in place, as long as we give it our best..
The same analogy applies elsewhere!!
Interesting self analysis. I read your blog on and off. I was surprised to hear that you lost your motivation in MBA. I thought you had lost your motivation in BE only. It is just that you were smart enough to score well. And that classical music club that you were heading was good enough to drive all your energy there. Probably in IIM it wasn't easy to stand out and you had enough of rat race in your 16 years (12 of schooling + 4 of Engg) of academic life. Also probably the competition was really cut throat. And you probably fell in love with someone during IIM. (too many probabilities ) You wanted to explore the world and I think you did.
Everybody loses motivation sometime or the other in life. There is nothing wrong in losing drive temporarily. You have to make choices whether to drive your self and excel or enjoy a nice slow paced life. And there is nothing in flip-flopping between these choices. It is just that once you get used to easy life, it becomes your comfort zone.
My final comment - "Unambitious people are almost always happier than ambitious ones"
- NITK Batchmate.
@ NITK batchmate:
A relaxed pace in life has nothing to do with how ambitious you are. There needs to be a zest for life, a love to do well and enjoy. Ambition helps bring this zest for me. Otherwise I am so lost.
I agree with your analysis; i can quite guess who you are :) But i wish you would leave your name
@NITK batchmate:
btw, thanks for reading my blog; it is nice to know people read it :)
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