As of now

The last few weeks have been mixed. Apart from the fact that I have been able to undo some of the stupid things that I was doing in my personal life, all else is stifling the life out of me, because of the stillness of it all is making to very difficult to carry on; the stillness is on the following fronts:

1. The biz is going nowhere, there are clashing styles of working, not good enough business development activity, the clients are unresponsive, the cash is just not flowing, too much effort going into what seems to be a no return investment.... may be it is early days, may be there is a lot that will come together to completely make all the effort worth it, may be it is the darkest hour before dawn, may be it is just the damn timing... but the stillness is killing me. There is so much invested here, so much based on the fact that this will work, that this will be big and great, that there will be good work and better money and a thousand things planned and unplanned will happen based on this; the stillness shakes this very assumption, the assumption that this will work; it shakes it enough to scare the shit out of you, making you wonder if this was the right thing to do, if this is really you claim to fame, if this is really what it is all supposed to be! It is going to take every ounce of integrity and perseverance I have to keep this going, to do what it takes to ensure the assumption is correct. The stillness, I say again, is stifling!

2. Work is bad as usual. There is the usual boss issue and I cannot believe how dumb is he. But that will always be, it is no big deal and there is nothing much that I can do about it. But what worries me more is that the learning curve has stopped. Is it because that I want to stop learning all of this? Or it is because of the 18 month jinx I am hitting? May be it is time to look for a new role, inside or outside, or may be it is time to just say listen, some more time and this will be better and the learning will start; I don't know and I don't know if there is an answer at all! It is going to take a lot to do a good job of what I am doing and that my man is not an easy job! The stillness is in fact annoying here.

Why am I so obsessed that I need to keep moving all the time? Why is it that I cannot accept routine and boredom and not getting ahead somewhere? Is it the intelligence, is it that fact that I think too much or is it that I have a restless mind, which constantly seeks, explores, learns, assimilates, I don't know; I wish I knew. I also want to know is this restlessness good or bad. Is ambition I had suddenly lost and which is back strongly, good or bad? Was the ambition-less stage better, more fulfilling? I don't know, there are just too many questions and too few answers and in the midst of all this, to keep doing well what you need to do is going to massive strength and will power! I hope I have them both!