Let go! Let go!

This is a short post! A post of extreme anguish and somewhere disappointment with myself and someone I once considered a very good friend!

I cannot describe the sinking feeling I felt today. I have know this person for some nearly 7 years now. We have hung out together as a part of the same group for that long. After engineering, we parted ways and went off different colleges to pursue different interests. The busy schedules did their lovely bit to separate friends and yes, by fault on both sides we drifted. Yes I did not make those phone calls ...

But somehow somethings are not missed, some mistakes (if I can call them so) never committed! If they are, then you lose friends. You lose them for good! The minute you confuse birthdays, go off abroad without calling or informing, come back into the country and not call because you lost the other person's number, just not recognizing someone's voice and not storing the other person's phone number are sure shot signs that the other person doesn't matter anymore to you. It is a sad way of ending what I would call a lovely friendship and the emotional fool that I am, I will never learn to cope. I still hope and expect that the other person will the see the care and affection I have and find it worth acknowledging, in spite of a 100 such lessons I still care and am still affected by actions of such people. As my girlfriend says, " Some just drift away, there is nothing that you can do about it". God bless her for being there all the time, just plain all the time.

Sad start to what I am sure will be one helluva year!

It is getting lonely out here!

The last 6 days have been awesome. The feeling of doing nothing useful, even remotely for my employer and being officially able to do so has been brilliant. To tell your boss that, "Dei I am so not doing anything" is an awesome feeling. I should do it more often :D

I spent 2 days in Mumbai, meeting one very close friend and one freind who i shared my hostel room with for 2 years, 4 years ago. I was pleased to see that we could still talk as much as we did. It was awesome to sit in IIT Powai for half day and eat mess food (after so long) and gossip about former batchmates :). And I will not forget the reference he made to my crush on "meen tinnuvaLu" :D

And then another day went in sutthing the roads of Delhi all alone, having lunch in Andhra Bhavan all by myself and walking around CP observing people. I did call some people but largely I spent the day brooding over myself, steeped in introspection, walking around jantar mantar like madman let loose. Too much I must say and strangely comfortable. With the fact that I can now officially spend so much time with myself, without getting fidgety. I don't seem to need any reassurance of so many things that I used to seek reassurance for! It is so simple now, somehow I have grown so cold that I don't seem to care about much, about being with the people I want to be with, seeing them, talking to them, keeping in touch. All these have begun to look mundane as I withdraw deeper and deeper into my shell. It has become so weird that I don’t want to talk to my parents, I don’t want to talk to my girl friend and I don’t want to talk to my bestest friend, 4 people, dubbed "Famous 4" who I would spend hours with, screaming my heart out to! I don’t want to speak to them in particular, I still do, but somehow it is ok if I don’t. I don’t say things that I would have normally told them as soon as I got to know the news. But not now, it is ok if I say it late or even forgot to tell them. There is a coldness, in everything that I am doing, driving me deeper and deeper within myself, I am somewhere becoming the cold person that I fought all my life to not become. I was once this happy excited teenager spreading joy everywhere. But now I am turning stone cold, a man so steeped in thoughts of his own life, that the exterior is so far away from the horizon that it is just not visible. I am strangely okay with the whole thing and somehow it does not mater that I am like this.... It is getting lonely out here, and I somehow don't seem to mind at all.