Let go! Let go!

This is a short post! A post of extreme anguish and somewhere disappointment with myself and someone I once considered a very good friend!

I cannot describe the sinking feeling I felt today. I have know this person for some nearly 7 years now. We have hung out together as a part of the same group for that long. After engineering, we parted ways and went off different colleges to pursue different interests. The busy schedules did their lovely bit to separate friends and yes, by fault on both sides we drifted. Yes I did not make those phone calls ...

But somehow somethings are not missed, some mistakes (if I can call them so) never committed! If they are, then you lose friends. You lose them for good! The minute you confuse birthdays, go off abroad without calling or informing, come back into the country and not call because you lost the other person's number, just not recognizing someone's voice and not storing the other person's phone number are sure shot signs that the other person doesn't matter anymore to you. It is a sad way of ending what I would call a lovely friendship and the emotional fool that I am, I will never learn to cope. I still hope and expect that the other person will the see the care and affection I have and find it worth acknowledging, in spite of a 100 such lessons I still care and am still affected by actions of such people. As my girlfriend says, " Some just drift away, there is nothing that you can do about it". God bless her for being there all the time, just plain all the time.

Sad start to what I am sure will be one helluva year!

It is getting lonely out here!

The last 6 days have been awesome. The feeling of doing nothing useful, even remotely for my employer and being officially able to do so has been brilliant. To tell your boss that, "Dei I am so not doing anything" is an awesome feeling. I should do it more often :D

I spent 2 days in Mumbai, meeting one very close friend and one freind who i shared my hostel room with for 2 years, 4 years ago. I was pleased to see that we could still talk as much as we did. It was awesome to sit in IIT Powai for half day and eat mess food (after so long) and gossip about former batchmates :). And I will not forget the reference he made to my crush on "meen tinnuvaLu" :D

And then another day went in sutthing the roads of Delhi all alone, having lunch in Andhra Bhavan all by myself and walking around CP observing people. I did call some people but largely I spent the day brooding over myself, steeped in introspection, walking around jantar mantar like madman let loose. Too much I must say and strangely comfortable. With the fact that I can now officially spend so much time with myself, without getting fidgety. I don't seem to need any reassurance of so many things that I used to seek reassurance for! It is so simple now, somehow I have grown so cold that I don't seem to care about much, about being with the people I want to be with, seeing them, talking to them, keeping in touch. All these have begun to look mundane as I withdraw deeper and deeper into my shell. It has become so weird that I don’t want to talk to my parents, I don’t want to talk to my girl friend and I don’t want to talk to my bestest friend, 4 people, dubbed "Famous 4" who I would spend hours with, screaming my heart out to! I don’t want to speak to them in particular, I still do, but somehow it is ok if I don’t. I don’t say things that I would have normally told them as soon as I got to know the news. But not now, it is ok if I say it late or even forgot to tell them. There is a coldness, in everything that I am doing, driving me deeper and deeper within myself, I am somewhere becoming the cold person that I fought all my life to not become. I was once this happy excited teenager spreading joy everywhere. But now I am turning stone cold, a man so steeped in thoughts of his own life, that the exterior is so far away from the horizon that it is just not visible. I am strangely okay with the whole thing and somehow it does not mater that I am like this.... It is getting lonely out here, and I somehow don't seem to mind at all.

The pile of Shit

I hate my seniors at work. Except for one, I despise or don't care about the rest. What makes me hate them is very simple. I will start at the top.

The top boss is making shit loads of money. He makes 1.5 times in a month what I barely manage to do in 1 full, god damned 1 full, year. What he does that I don't do, I really can't get. It is not that he is very smart and all that. Yes, he may have more experience. But that cannot explain the difference in pay scales. The difference is not comparable to the difference in value we bring to the table; he does some, but nothing that I cant in 2 years time. On top of that, it is not like he is bearing all the risk of business. It was difficult when the firm started, but he did not have anything to do with that. Plus, he is an impatient, irritating, irritated guy who pains the hell out of everyone, inside and outside the team. Just because you are boss of all possible shades of shady bosses, it does not give you the right to make me slog my ass and pay me so little, that what I get in hand is less than the tax he pays! Bull!

Next comes the slimy-est of all the bosses I have. The guy is jealousy personified! And he is the worst kind of slime I have seen. Supposed to be a relentless worker, I see him do TP (time-pass if you didn't know) hajaar people. He doesn't really seem to be doing much work other than keeping tabs on people. And that is where my problems begin.

This guy deserves a para in this "Dard bhari kahani". He has an obsessive need to control. The damn fool needs people around him all the time. Given this and that he has the IQ of an ostrich, the damn fellow is dangerous to the health of so many beings who happen to work under him. He expects us to do TP with him, he tracks where we are at what time, doesn't receive calls, calls us to work on weekends and holidays when it is not needed and makes life dull and boring. I am surprised by the intensity of my hatred for him. He can ruin my day in a second. I must not give anyone this kind of leeway.

Then there is the middle management, the most spineless of them all. They have a need to please the boss on top, absolutely at the cost of the happiness of the poor souls below them. They have nothing called opinion and live their life truly "the boss is always right" style. They work weekends, don't seem to mind long hours and on top of that assume that everyone else working under them also don't feel the need for a life outside work. They set the long hour-working weekend expectation high. And strangely they are usually married and have to fight with their spouses to be here on work and don't seem to mind it. They are important enough to demand their rightful due, but no, they won't. A measly fresher like me somehow doesn't mind putting his foot down. But these guys will not. Yes sir, haan sir, stinking filth I must say. And to top it all, the slimy-est of them all, encourages this kind of sucking upto him making it difficult for others who don't want to play the game this way.

Enough of self-pity. If this is the place where I am working, if this is the pile of shit I am in, I should leave and I will. ASAP.