As of now

The last few weeks have been mixed. Apart from the fact that I have been able to undo some of the stupid things that I was doing in my personal life, all else is stifling the life out of me, because of the stillness of it all is making to very difficult to carry on; the stillness is on the following fronts:

1. The biz is going nowhere, there are clashing styles of working, not good enough business development activity, the clients are unresponsive, the cash is just not flowing, too much effort going into what seems to be a no return investment.... may be it is early days, may be there is a lot that will come together to completely make all the effort worth it, may be it is the darkest hour before dawn, may be it is just the damn timing... but the stillness is killing me. There is so much invested here, so much based on the fact that this will work, that this will be big and great, that there will be good work and better money and a thousand things planned and unplanned will happen based on this; the stillness shakes this very assumption, the assumption that this will work; it shakes it enough to scare the shit out of you, making you wonder if this was the right thing to do, if this is really you claim to fame, if this is really what it is all supposed to be! It is going to take every ounce of integrity and perseverance I have to keep this going, to do what it takes to ensure the assumption is correct. The stillness, I say again, is stifling!

2. Work is bad as usual. There is the usual boss issue and I cannot believe how dumb is he. But that will always be, it is no big deal and there is nothing much that I can do about it. But what worries me more is that the learning curve has stopped. Is it because that I want to stop learning all of this? Or it is because of the 18 month jinx I am hitting? May be it is time to look for a new role, inside or outside, or may be it is time to just say listen, some more time and this will be better and the learning will start; I don't know and I don't know if there is an answer at all! It is going to take a lot to do a good job of what I am doing and that my man is not an easy job! The stillness is in fact annoying here.

Why am I so obsessed that I need to keep moving all the time? Why is it that I cannot accept routine and boredom and not getting ahead somewhere? Is it the intelligence, is it that fact that I think too much or is it that I have a restless mind, which constantly seeks, explores, learns, assimilates, I don't know; I wish I knew. I also want to know is this restlessness good or bad. Is ambition I had suddenly lost and which is back strongly, good or bad? Was the ambition-less stage better, more fulfilling? I don't know, there are just too many questions and too few answers and in the midst of all this, to keep doing well what you need to do is going to massive strength and will power! I hope I have them both!

Amma

I was in a tearing hurry today, simply because I got up late and was all messed up. The cab guy called when I was done eating hullu, stupid oat flakes man!, that silly thing I am doing to try losing weight, and I still had yummy anna huLi that amma had made and I suggested skipping it, as it was piping hot for me only (it must have been boiling, as Babu and he will tell you that I have almost no heat sensors in my throat!). She said nothing doing, cab will wait and she sent me off to the room next door with the fan running full speed (the maid was cleaning the dining hall and the maid takes preference over all else in the house you see; that is the fate we house owners have come to today, our schedules are decided by the maid/ cook/ butler as applicable) so that I could gulp down the food in a tearing hurry and she so sweetly sat down next to me till I ate it, asked if she was not on time and that is why I am in a hurry (oh hell no, she is never late and nobody can ever be more on time for her son than her) and waited so sweetly till I gulped down the yummy food; she took the plate from me and ensure I drank water and sent to on my way to office...

Somewhere deep down, I know that there is no rational reason why she has to be putting fight like this at her age, she should be the one who should be relaxing and me the one running around! How how did her generation learn to give so much, without saying a thing, never complaining, always there, always on time, even if the legs hurt, the back aches, sleep beckons, they somehow can always go on and on for the ones they love! Appa is no different, he loves with the same intensity, what happened today just triggered this blog. I just hope some of us will atleast learn to love like them, even a small portion will make our lives so much more worth it. I will always always cherish very deeply the love that I receive from my parents.

I'll try and tell them how much I cherish it more often....

FB analysed me on my birthday!

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

we should all read this

Sometimes all that you do in life seems of irrelevant that some of these lessons that I came across seem so useful! and yeah some of them make good IM taglines...

This is something that got forwarded in office...

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
15. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
16. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
17. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
18. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
19. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

A holy man was having a conversation with God one day and said, ' God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.' God led the holy man to two doors.. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles, that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. God said, 'You have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and lump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, 'I don't understand…' It is simple,' said God. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

I wonder where 20 and 21 went though :)

changes

Am now working back in a 9-5 job and it is a nice change from what it used to be. I will gym in the evening and i guess i will start seeing sunsets again! Yay!

the weakness in the moments

Life makes such fools of us, why is it that mankind so stupid that it fails to realize that all weakness is in the moment and a moment of pushing away the impulse can prevent a lot of blunders. A moment of despair can spoil a life oh hope, a moment of anger can kill a lifetime of peace, a second's impulse of recklessness can kill you, maim you. Rationally we all know all of this but it is but nature's way of playing with us, making us do things we should not in spite of knowing that we should not! Life is a bitch, aint it! But like they say, its puppies are cute! And I guess that is what makes it worth it :)

Chatty autodrivers

I hate them, especially when you want to shhut up and think of more important things! Sorry but I have no time to explain the context :)

Damn them!