No one understands

No one, I mean no one understands what it is that I am going through! And somewhere I feel very sad about it. But in some ways it is also a nice thing... I can do what I want to unhindered!

it is easy to be ordinary

It is very easy to be ordinary, have low ambitions and lead a simple life of joy and happiness. I wonder if such a life can be content and fulfilling. This thought arises from the fact that when you are gone, nobody will miss you, not a single soul will ever stop their life because you died. This is but natural behaviour. So what is it that you should do so that people will always remember you, so that you leave a good imprint on the world and its history and future.

It is easy to say, there is a lot of satisfaction in being there for all your people, doing the right things, doing the required things and just leading a satisfying life! It is very important, but it is relatively easy to do. It takes a lot to be great, to leave an imprint on the world, so that when you go, people will always remember.

Take the case of Alexander the great! By 32, he conquered much of the world and died, that he still is considered amongst the greatest rulers ever.

Take the case of Saint Thyagaraja, he changed the world of Carnatic music. Not only did he absorb the entire past of Carnatic music, but also set the standard for carnatic music for ages to come. Even today, the structure he gave to Carnatic music holds. He defined Carnatic music.

Take the case of Neil Armstrong. He will always be remembered for setting his foot on the moon - the first time ever by a human being.

There are so few great men like this in the history of mankind. And they are the only ones who will be remembered beyond their times. And they are difficult to be like. It takes a lot and I think that is what I want to be. I want to leave a mark on the world, and I dont want to be just remembered by a handlful of people and be forgotten after they left the world!

It is as they say, easy to be ordinary!

aint i glad

The fact that my aunt, uncle, cousin and another aunt stay 5 min walk away is amongst the few other things the most comforting things in my life. The others are appa, amma, home, p and fufe :)

F the world

F*** the damn world! F*** them all! I don't want to stop what I want to do because some good for nothing idiot lazy ass idiot does not do this job well! Or that babus are trying to keep blaming our own self for laziness. I am going to do what needs to be done and that I will do! Even if it means screaming at people, not sleeping enough, getting fatter or whatever else. It is not possible that what I want to do can be dependent on someone else making a phone call! F*** them all! Thanks M for that lovely lovely line.

P.S. You can see I am pissed!

unstable

The last few weeks have been tiring. And I am not able to keep my mind at anything. There is work piling up everywhere and it is annoying me. But I cannot seem to be able to get all of it done. Which is not a good sign!

Gee, I wonder why ;)

of what is really wrong

I was wondering in office of why I feel like loser these days; loser is a strong word and I do not normally use it for anyone let alone myself; but the whole bloody point is that I have begun to feel like that for sometime now. And it is not even that I am doing loserly things or loserly things are happening but I feel like one just the same!

And then as I thought about what I have become, I realized why. May be the analysis is wrong but I think I have it right. Here goes why:

I have always been an achiever; I did well right through school and college; I was the apple of everyone's eye, especially the grown ups. There was a lot of respect as I stood for something. All this happened because I always wanted to be different from the rest, a cut better, a mile ahead and an hour earlier. And added with the fact that things had to be perfect in all that I did, I think I managed to stand out pretty well. This was till college (read BE).

Then came the MBA days; the days when I craved for anonymity. I wanted to be one in the crowd, an ordinary guy with no great ambition; just doing enough to stay afloat. And because of this I missed a lot of opportunities. But it was not something that I minded so much at that point in time. Nor do I mind it now.

But being one in the crowd is not me; it is so against the kind of person I am, the things I stand for. I have always stood out; by achieving something that others thought or found difficult. And that gave me my kick, the motivation to do good and bold and great things. That is the real me and I miss being that; especially since that I am an under-paid under-utilized business analyst on a loser floor with even more loser colleagues.

And if I need to be happy and true to myself, I will need to get back to doing things that will surely set me apart; make me something that people will be in awe of and that is when I think all the disgruntlement with life will settle down.

Yeah baby, I know what is wrong and I think I now have a solution to the problem that I have faced so often in the past 4 years, what is it that I really want to do! Amen!

As of now

The last few weeks have been mixed. Apart from the fact that I have been able to undo some of the stupid things that I was doing in my personal life, all else is stifling the life out of me, because of the stillness of it all is making to very difficult to carry on; the stillness is on the following fronts:

1. The biz is going nowhere, there are clashing styles of working, not good enough business development activity, the clients are unresponsive, the cash is just not flowing, too much effort going into what seems to be a no return investment.... may be it is early days, may be there is a lot that will come together to completely make all the effort worth it, may be it is the darkest hour before dawn, may be it is just the damn timing... but the stillness is killing me. There is so much invested here, so much based on the fact that this will work, that this will be big and great, that there will be good work and better money and a thousand things planned and unplanned will happen based on this; the stillness shakes this very assumption, the assumption that this will work; it shakes it enough to scare the shit out of you, making you wonder if this was the right thing to do, if this is really you claim to fame, if this is really what it is all supposed to be! It is going to take every ounce of integrity and perseverance I have to keep this going, to do what it takes to ensure the assumption is correct. The stillness, I say again, is stifling!

2. Work is bad as usual. There is the usual boss issue and I cannot believe how dumb is he. But that will always be, it is no big deal and there is nothing much that I can do about it. But what worries me more is that the learning curve has stopped. Is it because that I want to stop learning all of this? Or it is because of the 18 month jinx I am hitting? May be it is time to look for a new role, inside or outside, or may be it is time to just say listen, some more time and this will be better and the learning will start; I don't know and I don't know if there is an answer at all! It is going to take a lot to do a good job of what I am doing and that my man is not an easy job! The stillness is in fact annoying here.

Why am I so obsessed that I need to keep moving all the time? Why is it that I cannot accept routine and boredom and not getting ahead somewhere? Is it the intelligence, is it that fact that I think too much or is it that I have a restless mind, which constantly seeks, explores, learns, assimilates, I don't know; I wish I knew. I also want to know is this restlessness good or bad. Is ambition I had suddenly lost and which is back strongly, good or bad? Was the ambition-less stage better, more fulfilling? I don't know, there are just too many questions and too few answers and in the midst of all this, to keep doing well what you need to do is going to massive strength and will power! I hope I have them both!

Amma

I was in a tearing hurry today, simply because I got up late and was all messed up. The cab guy called when I was done eating hullu, stupid oat flakes man!, that silly thing I am doing to try losing weight, and I still had yummy anna huLi that amma had made and I suggested skipping it, as it was piping hot for me only (it must have been boiling, as Babu and he will tell you that I have almost no heat sensors in my throat!). She said nothing doing, cab will wait and she sent me off to the room next door with the fan running full speed (the maid was cleaning the dining hall and the maid takes preference over all else in the house you see; that is the fate we house owners have come to today, our schedules are decided by the maid/ cook/ butler as applicable) so that I could gulp down the food in a tearing hurry and she so sweetly sat down next to me till I ate it, asked if she was not on time and that is why I am in a hurry (oh hell no, she is never late and nobody can ever be more on time for her son than her) and waited so sweetly till I gulped down the yummy food; she took the plate from me and ensure I drank water and sent to on my way to office...

Somewhere deep down, I know that there is no rational reason why she has to be putting fight like this at her age, she should be the one who should be relaxing and me the one running around! How how did her generation learn to give so much, without saying a thing, never complaining, always there, always on time, even if the legs hurt, the back aches, sleep beckons, they somehow can always go on and on for the ones they love! Appa is no different, he loves with the same intensity, what happened today just triggered this blog. I just hope some of us will atleast learn to love like them, even a small portion will make our lives so much more worth it. I will always always cherish very deeply the love that I receive from my parents.

I'll try and tell them how much I cherish it more often....

FB analysed me on my birthday!

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

intensity

I saw luckbychance today. I loved it! It is a fairly repeated story, but there are somethings that make it very nice :). One is the direction, zoya akthar's sense of detail is intense, farhan akthar's acting is intense; more than that, what is intense is the way he has transformed himself! I am impressed by him, completely, and i must say he inspires! He's done well for himself!

Then I saw the final parts of the Australian Open final and though Federer lost; he ,for the first time I remember, broke down at the presentation ceremony, there is so much intensity in the way he looks at him game, that he broke down, the dam burst!

Starkingly different things I saw, but as I look at them, I realize that to be good you need the intensity, the intensity of emotion to go all the way to do what you want to do! The benefits are obvious in the way farhan has turned out and the result of not getting what you want is seen in Federer's case! That is the risk with intensity, it can burn you! That is the only risk, and from what the goodness has to bring, I think it is best to be intense!

I used to be this way, very very intense about what I want, and I do not know what happened! Something snapped! And the intensity went out; I still care about what I want, but to be complete and to feel the burning desire to get that prized thing is something I want to feel again! I want to feel again the intensity I know where nothing could stop me from getting what I want to get! I want to feel that raw desire again, to feel the flame again to prod me to use the talents I have to get what I want, to want the money, the power, the authority to do good and not be one of the most anonymous people who believe in improving themselves, reading and learning, all this will happen, what is most intense and mostly heady is the feeling of being able to influence people and control the happening of good! I want that back and I see it coming!

And amidst all this churn, I miss most the friend who was my anchor when I used to be that intense! Stupid face, I miss the old stupid face! I want that stupid face back!!!

heart ache!

Each time I go by the area, my darlingest, favouritest area ever so often (it is the centre of my universe you see) i sigh out loud and it tears my heart apart that we had to leave that area, stupid fools that we are!

There are a thousand words that run in mind, imagining a thousand scenarios when this could have been different, a thousand things i could have done to make this different! my heart aches, with the same intensity everytime! sigh!

And then the ache clears and I realize that the only way is to earn it back and that I will! Here i come 203!

sixty seconds' worth of distance run

As I begin today with an awesome sense of pride, I realise that it is more today than any other day that I need to keep my head on my shoulders and I cannot but help recall Kipling's beautiful lines

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Courtesy: Rudyard Kipling, the great (if i may add)

May I have the sense to be focused and deliver what I have promised :)

kolahala

there is too much conflict in my head and it is driving me mad. i am not unfamiliar with this but this time is new :(

Passion

There must be something, something that I badly want to do! Where the hell has it gone? Where where where! What happened to all that ambition, passion, everything else? Is this what an engineering and MBA course has done to me?

There must be something! I have to have to find it :|

Washing away

As the cyclones swept through his life, he kept wondering what will remain and finally he figured that amongst all that he had, only 2 remained, and remained forever.


He hopes that the 2 will never, never change for he loves them too much.

The fine line

It is weird but we all go through this! Atleast I think we all do and I definitely do!

And that is this eternal question of whether " I am doing too much of too few or too little of too many."

And the question has no one right answer!

It is a constant turmoil that haunts me all the time and causes me to sometime discontinue things that I was so passionate about before, things that I stood very strongly for. But today I find myself not so keen and don’t do it at all.

This is a complex dynamic decision based on current and future commitments, current time availability, the constantly changing priorities, ad hoc work that comes up, boredom with existing things that you have been doing and so on.

And this question will like a non-linear optimization align how much time and effort spent on how many number of things in line with the above stated parameters. To make it more complex, all you need to add is the whims and fancies of the person that you are.

See it is so complex that you don’t know what is right and what is wrong! And for someone to judge you at this point and say you are lazy, or you don’t have your priorities right and all that is not correct. Like I was telling P today, never judge a person wearing you shoes, I used to do it, today I don’t, I would have lost out on a lot of very good friends of mine if I had continued to be so judgmental. I am still opinionated but I don’t judge people so harshly anymore and I am so much more open.

Also, I am open to change, much more than ever before and I can understand if people's priorities change. When priorities change, the " I am doing too much of too few or too little of too many" question pops up and you change things you are doing. Don't judge someone as wrong when this change happens for this change was bound to happen and it did, whether you like it or not.