run baby run

I am itching to run away, to run with single minded devotion to do what I need to get done to be free, to be independent and live the way I want to.

The wait is almost over, I can see the end - Yippie - I want to run away from the madness that my life has been for the last three years and a half now :)

In a distant land

I sit in a distant land...
With no one close in sight...
And I think what is life without the people who love... even if it is heaven!
I'd rather be in hell with people I love than in heaven alone.

a new to do list

I made a new to do list today - a list of things that will get in the way of me doing the things I want to do. I am going to get rid of them, and I will tick it off my list.

Also, I have decided to not talk to people about what I want to do anymore. I will just do what I need to do. And all those guys who keep telling me what to do can goto bloody f*****g hell! I guess it is upto me to do what I should.

A big BAH to all you bums who get in the way!

somethings do not change

I have been shopping and I have realized that what I decided 2.5 years ago was correct. I am made for certain things. I should shut my trap and do what I have decided I should do. Just keeps getting complicated.

intense boredom

I am bored. In a basic, fundamental way. I don't know where I caught it or even when, but I am bored like never before. It is an intense boredom. I find myself incapable of doing anything remotely useful. I am frustrated in a way that nothing - nothing that I had planned is falling into place. I am not used to such events - I am more used to having things my way. And this has somehow resulted in boredom. Which is not at all a good sign! Move it - come on; get something going!

I have to always be busy

I need to always be busy. Otherwise I will go mad!

my darling

Appa is so cute!

He asked me when I was walking into office today of when I will leave. And when I told him that I was just getting in, he said oh I should have asked you when you left home in the cab :) He is so cute, aint he!

strategy

I had the great fortune of listening to a very senior person in this company. He is by far the best I have seen in this context. It is always a pleasure to listen to what he has to say. He spoke about a lot of things that are right and that are not right and what it will take to do well in the future. But there is one thing that he said which stuck as it is very relevant for me at this point in time.

He said, if there is no risk, there is no strategy. Any thing that is termed as strategy without any risk is simply life insurance. All you do is pay premium to live. It is useful only if you die, defeating the purpose of strategy, which is to ensure you beat them all.

I think this has long lasting implications on what we are doing today. There has to be risk in what you do. It is only then that you can reap long lasting rewards. And you have to plan for the next 25 years, not make some money in the future. And what you define has to change the game. None of this has any moentary implications. No strategy should be built on money. It has to make monetary sense. But then nothing monetary as a goal. It is detrimental to play the money game. It is important to good work. To do things to change the way the market works. To do big bold things. That is what we need to do. Babu, I cannot agree more with you :)

convincing them

I got home early enough yesterday. And I was planning to sit down to talk to appa amma and P about what it is that I am going to do. I think they deserve to know what it is that I am going to do and I need to have there approval. So post dinner, with the "freedom" deadline looming in the background, and after many attempts to start the conversation along these lines, we all sat down after closing the kitchen.

I told them many things: of how much time this is currently taking and why it makes sense to do EN full time. Some of them are that we are hitting a certain scale, that moonlighting is too tiring, and that we need to do this full time to realize its true potential. Amma questioned that timing of quitting and expressed the fact that it might make sense to quit a little later, after having built a certain corpus for all sorts of reasons. But then there is the fact that what corpus is good enough? How much is security. And there are kids. I am 25 now, to be 26 by time I leave. If I want to be a father when I am 28, it gives me 2 years to establish a constant, stable income. Each month extra I take, the closer I am to that deadline. I need to have this established by the time I am 28. That is the deadline.

Amma said she is ok with all the reasons, but then kids should not be a concern. And appa said he will pay my phone bills for a while :)

But then, I finally explained to them why it is that I want to go from madness to madderness as appa calls it, why it is that I want to throw away a very good salary and get back to creating something on my own.

The reasons of why I want to be on my own are clear: There is independence, there is a chance to create something of your own, of simply the chance to be your own boss. There is all this. And there is so much more money. But most importantly there are 2 reasons why being on your own is so good:

1. You prove to yourself that you can exist on your own, that you have it in you to be by yourself and be big and powerful and that you do not need the corporate world to be cocooned in to be safe and survive. I want to strong and hard and a fighter to the core.

2. I have the talent, I have the guts to throw it all away and do something on my own. But most importantly I have the circumstance of not needing the immediate financial security that a job offers. Often many people do not have this freedom from cash flow. Also, not many have talent and not too many have the guts. I have all 3 and in good measure. It would be a shame to throw this wonderful opportunity away, to shy away from what can be big and great and may be set an example of using opportunity.

I want to do this. Really. For all the above the reasons. And I want to be big and brave and powerful but most importantly I want to live life on my terms and conditions. Go for it, P told me, and that she will see me through it.

And may be madderness is better than madness :)
I love the three of them :)

P.S. Get well soon P

of what it is that really gives me a high

I have often wondered what it is that makes me tick and want to do good work. I thought may be it is a promotion or salary or my boss's approval. Unfortunately it is none of these I realized. My greatest kick comes from cracking a problem. I am at heart a problem solver. I solved 2 problems in office and it gave me a big high yesterday. These were somethings that I was struggling with for a while.

I think what takes EN down sometimes is that we find workarounds for problems, not solutions. And it is only that long that an attitude like this can last. I think the way to take EN to the next level to find solutions to problems we encounter. This has to be done on 2 levels. One is to find solutions that the clients have, students and institutes have. The other is find solutions to the problems we encounter when we sell to them. And these are what will give me a kick. But more importantly, it is this that I think will make EN to take off.

Focus is critical

I am going through a phase when all I have to do is focus. There is no choice but to focus. There will be many many distractions. And some of them will be very attractive distractions. And even positive ones. But then the choice I think is clear. I need to keep my head on my shoulders and do what it is that I have set out to do. And do the required things to be inspired and motivated enough to do what it is that I have decided to achieve. The next few months will need me to have this focus. And it is this focus that will decide if I will make it in what I am trying to do.

I am training my mind to let me have this single minded focus and attention. For it is in this focus and attention that great things can be achieved. And all great things have small beginnings. I am rapidly beginning to believe that this is a sign of great things to come, it will take everything that I can give but it will become what I want it to be.

And everything that can be a distraction to move me from the chosen path is a strict no no. Amen!

of why this madness

BABU: interesting I don’t have need for a lot of money. I want to do things on my own

ME: on your own is the only way to make more money I want money so that I can get power and then I will change the fucking world lunch now....talk later

BABU: that is silly. money and power are unconnected. people are the only way for power!

ME: babu money plays a role
don’t know if u get it
also defines wat kind of power u want
I do not want gandhi power baba amte power I want jairam ramesh power. it needs money
food beckons bye

BABU: ok. enjoy food
Btw I want power when young so I cannot wait for money
Talk to you later then

ME: babu money is easiest to get

BABU: so I am not that worried about it

ME: with money comes power think about it

BABU: no money has nothing to do with power. I mean what do you want to do with power

ME: be useful to people

BABU: how?

ME: for starters, primary education.... useful way... not like government

BABU: primary education is useful. but not the govt given one?

ME: they do it in scale... but the way we get educated is important....I want children to grow up unbiased or less biased that is an area that will be worth working on

BABU: less biased to what
I cannot quite fathom what you are saying

ME: the usual sense of right and wrong, good and bad, what life means to people chill chill we will discuss later for now I want money

BABU: I am chill ya

ME: simple

BABU: ok that is a very important thing that you told ya
We have been throwing around words like education and public policy for a long timei want to understand if we actually mean it.

ME: I doubt exact definition I do not know...

BABU: we all mean it mans.

ME: and I think right now I am too tied up to think about it but it will happen small chewable goals babu

BABU: exactly we need to start defining things.

ME: earn enuf to quit and do full time

BABU: I know all that at times I get angry
I mean really angry

ME: so let us park this definition for now.

BABU: at what I have become

ME: angry abt what? What have u become?

BABU: small, miniscule object living the well defined life that bothers me

ME: it will change soon we make certain mistakes... it takes time to recover
simple, for example I shud have never bought that car. I could have quit now....but I did and it is hampering my progress now....I get angry too

BABU: yeah. That is an example that quite explains it

ME: frustrated too but it cannot be helped too much I am trying my best to get out of this in a shape to be able to do all that I want to do so just stop thinking for a while

BABU: in a way you are correcti mean there is no way out

ME: there are many defenses to this anger.....

BABU: *no other way

ME: I am just finding the fruitful one...like they say, inaction is also an action....choosing not to act is also a choice...

BABU: correct lets quicken ya babu.

ME: sometimes I feel I am wasting every second sitting and running after things that will have no value....exactly babu.... we need to push this.... soon as possible...

of the bus

Today is bus day in bangalore. And i took the bus to work. And I will take the bus home in the evening. Yay! Am so proud of myself :)

stuff

Now that I have stopped caring, i feel a burden has lifted. Time to make things happen.

fufe

I looked from behind and fufe became fubu! Zubi dubi .... LOL!

The first true test of the choices I made

Early this week saw the first true test of the choice I have made so far. Of what I left to look forward to a better world, defined by what it is that I want. I made this choice 2 years ago, the first acid test has really come only now.

It is promotion time in office. And I am not being given one. All is well on the work front. But they see me as being negative. May be I am just saying the truth. But they cannot take it, so they find me as negative.

But that is besides the point. The point is that somewhere I still care, and I want my efforts to be recognized. But the whole basis of shifting here and doing what I wanted to do was that I do not care how this goes. It is interesting that there is a part of me that still cares. May that is what is slowing things down for me. I think I should stop caring completely :)

Times they are a interesting

It is a interesting time in office. Everybody is doing what they are supposed to be doing this time of the year - pataofying their bosses. And it is very interesting to what extent people are willing to go to please their bosses :) I am not tempted to do the same, but it is a little difficult to keep losing out in the race out. I am learning to. I want to write more but it is just not flowing!

It will take everything

The strain is beginning to be felt already. It is going to take everything that I have to keep this going. But I will give it what it takes!