country roads

It is almost an eerie feeling of deja vu. I remember sitting in good ol' Delhi office of my last employer and play country roads, take me home. It meant a lot then, just the longing to be in Bangalore, at home, amidst people I loved and who cared for me.

And I got that. And for a while, the song stopped pulling at the raw nerve. It seems to have found one again and I know not why. Something is not feeling right, something tells me I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, for the wrong goals, with the wrong means, for the wrong people! What a waste of time it is all beginning to feel. And I need to do something about it. Country Roads will hopefully make me find whatever it is I am looking for!

it is easy to be ordinary

It is very easy to be ordinary, have low ambitions and lead a simple life of joy and happiness. I wonder if such a life can be content and fulfilling. This thought arises from the fact that when you are gone, nobody will miss you, not a single soul will ever stop their life because you died. This is but natural behaviour. So what is it that you should do so that people will always remember you, so that you leave a good imprint on the world and its history and future.

It is easy to say, there is a lot of satisfaction in being there for all your people, doing the right things, doing the required things and just leading a satisfying life! It is very important, but it is relatively easy to do. It takes a lot to be great, to leave an imprint on the world, so that when you go, people will always remember.

Take the case of Alexander the great! By 32, he conquered much of the world and died, that he still is considered amongst the greatest rulers ever.

Take the case of Saint Thyagaraja, he changed the world of Carnatic music. Not only did he absorb the entire past of Carnatic music, but also set the standard for carnatic music for ages to come. Even today, the structure he gave to Carnatic music holds. He defined Carnatic music.

Take the case of Neil Armstrong. He will always be remembered for setting his foot on the moon - the first time ever by a human being.

There are so few great men like this in the history of mankind. And they are the only ones who will be remembered beyond their times. And they are difficult to be like. It takes a lot and I think that is what I want to be. I want to leave a mark on the world, and I dont want to be just remembered by a handlful of people and be forgotten after they left the world!

It is as they say, easy to be ordinary!

Somehow, it gets complicated - 1

As he sat in his car under the shade of the wide banyan tree of the drive-in restaurant sipping a strongly brewed south Indian filter kaapi, Yash always wondered why it all got so complicated, separately at work, at home, in personal life and as a combination in life!

Work he knew was never going to be easy. He had accepted that he would set aside his ideals and ensure his boss was happy! He was going to get that promotion, he wanted the position, the role and the money very much. He was not desperate for it, but he thought it was good to have. The business class flights, the 5-star hotel stays, the pretty secretary were all things to look forward to. The Deputy Director position was close by and he was just 29! One of the youngest to make it there. And he knew he had played his cards well. The boss was happy, more than happy with him - he had traded some personal favours and he had the boss all aligned. His boss was indebted to him both professionally and personally. Yash had saved his boss's skin more than once and this made the promotion to the DD position a given. And Yash never wondered why he had to do all of this in spite of the fact that he was very good at his work. Somehow, he was so corporate an animal, the sucking upto instinct came to him easily! Good for him. But it was suddenly getting complicated!

Home was always peaceful; Yash knew he could always bank on appa and amma. Amma more since, being the youngest of 3 sons, he was the apple of her eye. He could get away with a lot of things. Coming home openly drunk to a brahmin family that shuddered at the thought of alcohol, all the night long parties, the charges to cops for drunken driving, rash driving, red light jumping and so on, for a long time., since the B.Com days.. All this was absorbed by home. He never showed it, but he had given back; each time there was a crisis, Yash had dropped all that he had on his hands and been there, more solidly than his other 2 pious opportunist brothers. And the less said about the silly sister, the better. The ungrateful thing had just done what she wanted and gone off to the USA. He loved home and he was there to stay. And he knew, it was shelter that he could always come back to. But it was getting complicated.

Yash had virtually no personal life. He was the always the boy from the rich industrial home. He was always the guy who was there for his friends, and his friends were always around. When not partying at the usual pub or the latest disco, Yash was fixing someone else's problems. He was there to pay of the debts of a college buddy or getting the bail for another or getting the next one to the hospital with a broken head. This set of friends, who often used Yash, was his only personal life. Yash was fiercely loyal; even when he thought he was being used. And he was almost always there. He never had time to himself. Most nights were short, due to all the parties and were often mass sleep overs at his place or someone else's in a deeply passed out state. Yash never had time to himself, except the half an hour drive in his black BMW 3 series to work. It was the only time he had to himself. He was happy with this, being public property and the life style could not sustain a partner. But now, this was changing; making it complicated.

aint i glad

The fact that my aunt, uncle, cousin and another aunt stay 5 min walk away is amongst the few other things the most comforting things in my life. The others are appa, amma, home, p and fufe :)

Morning After

There is a concept of the morning after; how you feel the morning after is the best indicator of how an incident happened. An incident might give you a brilliant high, the glory, the attention, the sheer excitement, the people, the kick of doing what you did, the spotlights, the honour, the joy!

But once the make up is off, the spotlights are off, the costumes sent back and when the exhaustion sets in, and you have to face the real you in the mirror and live life with the people who matter to you, if you still feel good and at peace with yourself, you did the right thing and if you dont you know you made a mistake.

Never judge by the hype in the moment. Face the truth when you look at yourself the morning after :)