a new to do list

I made a new to do list today - a list of things that will get in the way of me doing the things I want to do. I am going to get rid of them, and I will tick it off my list.

Also, I have decided to not talk to people about what I want to do anymore. I will just do what I need to do. And all those guys who keep telling me what to do can goto bloody f*****g hell! I guess it is upto me to do what I should.

A big BAH to all you bums who get in the way!

somethings do not change

I have been shopping and I have realized that what I decided 2.5 years ago was correct. I am made for certain things. I should shut my trap and do what I have decided I should do. Just keeps getting complicated.

intense boredom

I am bored. In a basic, fundamental way. I don't know where I caught it or even when, but I am bored like never before. It is an intense boredom. I find myself incapable of doing anything remotely useful. I am frustrated in a way that nothing - nothing that I had planned is falling into place. I am not used to such events - I am more used to having things my way. And this has somehow resulted in boredom. Which is not at all a good sign! Move it - come on; get something going!

I have to always be busy

I need to always be busy. Otherwise I will go mad!

my darling

Appa is so cute!

He asked me when I was walking into office today of when I will leave. And when I told him that I was just getting in, he said oh I should have asked you when you left home in the cab :) He is so cute, aint he!

strategy

I had the great fortune of listening to a very senior person in this company. He is by far the best I have seen in this context. It is always a pleasure to listen to what he has to say. He spoke about a lot of things that are right and that are not right and what it will take to do well in the future. But there is one thing that he said which stuck as it is very relevant for me at this point in time.

He said, if there is no risk, there is no strategy. Any thing that is termed as strategy without any risk is simply life insurance. All you do is pay premium to live. It is useful only if you die, defeating the purpose of strategy, which is to ensure you beat them all.

I think this has long lasting implications on what we are doing today. There has to be risk in what you do. It is only then that you can reap long lasting rewards. And you have to plan for the next 25 years, not make some money in the future. And what you define has to change the game. None of this has any moentary implications. No strategy should be built on money. It has to make monetary sense. But then nothing monetary as a goal. It is detrimental to play the money game. It is important to good work. To do things to change the way the market works. To do big bold things. That is what we need to do. Babu, I cannot agree more with you :)

convincing them

I got home early enough yesterday. And I was planning to sit down to talk to appa amma and P about what it is that I am going to do. I think they deserve to know what it is that I am going to do and I need to have there approval. So post dinner, with the "freedom" deadline looming in the background, and after many attempts to start the conversation along these lines, we all sat down after closing the kitchen.

I told them many things: of how much time this is currently taking and why it makes sense to do EN full time. Some of them are that we are hitting a certain scale, that moonlighting is too tiring, and that we need to do this full time to realize its true potential. Amma questioned that timing of quitting and expressed the fact that it might make sense to quit a little later, after having built a certain corpus for all sorts of reasons. But then there is the fact that what corpus is good enough? How much is security. And there are kids. I am 25 now, to be 26 by time I leave. If I want to be a father when I am 28, it gives me 2 years to establish a constant, stable income. Each month extra I take, the closer I am to that deadline. I need to have this established by the time I am 28. That is the deadline.

Amma said she is ok with all the reasons, but then kids should not be a concern. And appa said he will pay my phone bills for a while :)

But then, I finally explained to them why it is that I want to go from madness to madderness as appa calls it, why it is that I want to throw away a very good salary and get back to creating something on my own.

The reasons of why I want to be on my own are clear: There is independence, there is a chance to create something of your own, of simply the chance to be your own boss. There is all this. And there is so much more money. But most importantly there are 2 reasons why being on your own is so good:

1. You prove to yourself that you can exist on your own, that you have it in you to be by yourself and be big and powerful and that you do not need the corporate world to be cocooned in to be safe and survive. I want to strong and hard and a fighter to the core.

2. I have the talent, I have the guts to throw it all away and do something on my own. But most importantly I have the circumstance of not needing the immediate financial security that a job offers. Often many people do not have this freedom from cash flow. Also, not many have talent and not too many have the guts. I have all 3 and in good measure. It would be a shame to throw this wonderful opportunity away, to shy away from what can be big and great and may be set an example of using opportunity.

I want to do this. Really. For all the above the reasons. And I want to be big and brave and powerful but most importantly I want to live life on my terms and conditions. Go for it, P told me, and that she will see me through it.

And may be madderness is better than madness :)
I love the three of them :)

P.S. Get well soon P